Friday :)

I hate mornings.

I hate my scales even more.

I swear my scales are dodgy. I have a very particular routine for weighing, it's always first thing in the morning, it's always after I pee and it's always in the same place on the floor. I move the scale so it's sits on a specific tile. Anyway it said I weighed the same, boo.

BUT then I noticed the scales weren't exactly on this one tile it was abit over so I adjusted it and now it says i've lost .4 of a pound. oooh i don't know what to believe! Ha I sound so dramatic sometimes I think chill the fuck out you're stressing over o.4 of a lb!!

So now i'm o.1 of a lb away from GW1

Maybe i should buy new scales but i'm scared it'll say i weigh more. I've only ever weighed myself on these scales for like 5 years. Like when i'm at the gym or at some one elses house I never ever step on their scales.. i like my own.

oh how ridiculous.

I didn't go to my friends yesterday.. but then i was soo tempted to order pizza anyway but i didn't ;) had about 700-800cals. I came to the conclusion I need to plan my food otherwise I get stuck what to have and become tempted - I was contemplating a yogurt for an hour literally.

So plan today ! angel delight (91cals) mini pancakes (100cals) and noodles (400cals)

I'm out drinking tonight = wine (500cals) so my real total may be more 1100cals. blah

His eyes see right into my soul.

ohhhh what to do what to do.

confused. com

My friend has invited me to her house tonight for movies / pizza but the problem is..

I'm 1 lb away from GW1

It took me SO long to get there and I don't want to mess it up. I'm so close, yet so far! I really want to have a chilled girlie night. But I want to get to my goal weight, I seriously can't afford to gain as I go on holiday in a week! I'd like to loose at least another 5lbs by then as unrealistic as that may sound.

Going and not eating pizza is not an option.. its me we're talking about.. pizza is my downfall.

the pizza I like is 1500cals.. and i'm not going to loose eating that am i?

Ugh I hate compromising my social life for my weight loss goals.

growl.

So dance like it's the last night of your life.

Diet coke fasting today.

17th August

What is wrong with me. Seriously what the hell is wrong with me.

I have a boyfriend. We have ups and downs but at the end of the day he mostly makes me happy. I like being with someone. I don't do 'alone'. I love him.

So why the hell am I flirting with this other guy. I met him when I was out, he found me on facebook and we starting talking and he is a major flirt. Like he is full on. He was like you're beautiful.. meeting you again would be dangerous.. ah and he's a rugby player and that's hot.

So why am i flirting back with him? why am i meeting him again on friday?!

I love my boyfriend. We was cuddling last night and I should of felt bad but I didnt..

I am an attention whore.

I like to feel wanted. Sexually wanted.

But its not real. I repulse guys. I'm lucky to have my boyfriend who tolerates my fatness, most other guys just chat to me for a laugh, poor little dumpy girl in frumpy clothes. Why is this other guy showing interest. He's only taking the piss. He'll get with my friend come friday.

Ah I hate myself.

I'm so fucking fat.

500cals today

sorry for rant.. needed to get it out.

15th August

And I'm not sleeping now the dark is too hard to beat

And I'm not keeping now the strength I need

to push me

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone

you shine it when I'm alone

and so I tell myself I'll be strong

FRIDAY 13th

Thank you for all the lovely comments on my last post :-) you girls keep me going and really make me smile... I hope you know I read all your blogs everyday!

Lost 2lbs :-) not as much as i'd like but considering I've been out most nights it's acceptable.

I've worked out that bottle of rose wine is 500 for the whole thing.. which isn't as much as i'd thought so if i stick to wine dance all night and eat light in the day the total number shouldn't be too much..


Today... chicken salad (200cals) angel delight (113cals) and maybeee some sushi later :) yum.

I got a feeling that tonights going to be a good night.

10th August

Completed 2468 cycle.. lost 6lbs but then ATE like a motherfucker. I haven't weighed.. too scared.. scared of the scales how pathetic.. scared of the truth more like.



ups and downs this weekend..



-ups -

-lying in bed my boyfriend had has hand on my hip, says 'i can really feel your hip bones, they make a good hand rest' :)

- getting to my GW1

- buying a bra with a smaller back size

- getting completely wasted laughing til I cried with my friends

- old school friend coming on to me, getting attention from guys whilst out.



-downs -

- my mum always making me feel shit before i go out, comments range from 'i can see your back fat' to 'you dont have the legs to wear a skirt that short'

- eating out three days in a row and feeling like a total fat obese ugly failure

- me saying i wasn't much of a cake person.. my mum replying 'could of fooled me you look it'. Bitch.

- depseratly trying to purge and failing leaving me with a horrendous tummy ache and puffy face.

-no longer being at GW1

I'm currently doing another more extended cycle of 2468 :-)